I consider myself a pretty laid back, simple kind of creature. I’ve only asked for a few things in life. A sexy, tall haired wife, the occasional romp through the village to scare locals, and not to tarnish this image I’ve worked so hard to uphold. Up until now, (if you ignore the 1993 Frankenberry Slander Lawsuit/ Frankenberry Disappearance Case) those needs have been met. So yesterday, I turned on the television to watch The Steve Harvey Show as I do most mornings and I see this ridiculous trailer for a movie called I, Frankenstein. I was so shocked I spit my mango chai tea clear across the room. Not only was I not asked permission or approached about this movie but they actually advertise that it’s from the creators of Underworld. Urrrrgghhhhhhh. That’s like a dentist advertising “From the creator of your last extremely painful root canal, comes another extremely painful root canal.”
Now a whole generation of young people who may not know me could be ruined forever. The great works I did in Bride of Frankenstein. Abbott and Castello Meet Frankenstein, The Munsters and my Mary Shelly collaborations; all down the drain and replaced with this:
“Set in a dystopic present where vigilant gargoyles and ferocious demons rage in a battle for ultimate power, Victor Frankenstein's creation Adam (Aaron Eckhart) finds himself caught in the middle as both sides race to discover the secret to his immortality.”
Vigilant gargoyles? Ferocious demons? You know what I'm fighting at my age? Vigilant diabetes and a ferociously swollen prostate. And listen, I've never met Aaron Eckhart. I feel like I would have no problem with him personally. He seems like a nice, upstanding individual. He’s had an excellent movie career so far. Nice smile. Good hair. Probably emits a pleasant smelling musk. I really enjoyed his Harvey Dent. But he’s all wrong for Frankenstein’s monster. I’m big and menacing. I strike fear in the audience. Was The Rock on vacation or something? Did they even ask Sly Stallone? He already looks like he was put together in a lab. Hell, even Vince Vaughn; he's like seven foot tall at least.
Take it from me. Stay far away from I,Frankenstein. If you really want something to make your bolts spark, go see a little hidden gem called Frozen. An instant animated classic about one sister trying to kill the other sister with ice. I could not stop laughing. Two hours of pure happiness. And I mean the snowman talks in it! Snowmen can’t talk! Nobody told him though. Amiright?? So good.
Now a whole generation of young people who may not know me could be ruined forever. The great works I did in Bride of Frankenstein. Abbott and Castello Meet Frankenstein, The Munsters and my Mary Shelly collaborations; all down the drain and replaced with this:
“Set in a dystopic present where vigilant gargoyles and ferocious demons rage in a battle for ultimate power, Victor Frankenstein's creation Adam (Aaron Eckhart) finds himself caught in the middle as both sides race to discover the secret to his immortality.”
Vigilant gargoyles? Ferocious demons? You know what I'm fighting at my age? Vigilant diabetes and a ferociously swollen prostate. And listen, I've never met Aaron Eckhart. I feel like I would have no problem with him personally. He seems like a nice, upstanding individual. He’s had an excellent movie career so far. Nice smile. Good hair. Probably emits a pleasant smelling musk. I really enjoyed his Harvey Dent. But he’s all wrong for Frankenstein’s monster. I’m big and menacing. I strike fear in the audience. Was The Rock on vacation or something? Did they even ask Sly Stallone? He already looks like he was put together in a lab. Hell, even Vince Vaughn; he's like seven foot tall at least.
Take it from me. Stay far away from I,Frankenstein. If you really want something to make your bolts spark, go see a little hidden gem called Frozen. An instant animated classic about one sister trying to kill the other sister with ice. I could not stop laughing. Two hours of pure happiness. And I mean the snowman talks in it! Snowmen can’t talk! Nobody told him though. Amiright?? So good.
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