“The five of us would often times spend hours and hours drinking milkshakes and fulfilling any and all of our sexual fantasies,” she said. “We liked to cover the bed in unopened condoms and joke that this time we were actually going use them. Then we would all have a good laugh and do it on top of them.”
The paramedics said Mr. Moran had a giant smile on his face when they reached him. They hope this comes as a comfort to family and friends knowing he passed away happy. They also whispered how “fucking creepy as shit” a smiling corpse is to see. The coroner later reported that the cause of death was years of living an awesome lifestyle which put an overwhelming amount of strain on his heart and his penis. His heart was the first to fail. The General is survived by six children he had no interest in meeting and a rabbit living under his back porch that he named George. As per request of his will, Katy Perry's "Dark Horse" will be played on loop during the funeral. He also stated whoever is the funniest of his bastard children will take over everyday operations of the website.