"Listen, I'm a progressive man in the 21st century," Cartwright said. "I care about the environment. I ride my bicycle to work. I believe in a woman's right to choose. I think marijuana should be made legal and I'm completely for gay marriage. I truly believe I can root for the Cubs in the playoffs."
The choice was not easy for Cartwright. He spent a lot of time studying what team he would root for this post-season. He immediately disregarded any American League teams because he said the DH is a bullshit position full of fat guys. He then eliminated any east or west coast teams because of a widely known media bias towards coastal teams compared to those centrally located. This coastal bias rant went on for over an hour and concluded with an emphatic, "And just fuck LA. Fuck LA so fucking hard."
Cartwright won't be buying any Cubs gear in the near future but he will be glued to the television in his solar powered home to cheer on guys like Anthony Rizzo who he likens to as the Windy City version of Stephen Piscotty. He also likes the Adam Wainwright-esqe pitching of Kyle Hendricks and don't get him started on Javier Baez, the Puerto Rican Matt Carpenter.
"The best part is if they win it all, I can take part in this historic celebration of the Cubs first championship since 1908," Cartwright said as he plugged in his hybrid car. "And if they lose, who gives a shit right? Yaaadiiii."