Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Tell the ones you love just how much you care with Gangs of New York Candy Hearts...
Everything I write and post on this site is carefully edited, re-edited, chastised, discussed and then posted when it reaches perfection. Sub par writing is unacceptable and is not only thrown out but burned hoosier style in a big metal barrel in the backyard. This is why I’m going to make it very clear that there will be no lists of any kind found on this website. No lists of top five Harrison Ford earrings, top thirty Instagram dog fails, twenty best blah, blah, belch. List writing is lazy writing. It says you can’t form complex sentences and put them in succession to create a paragraph. It says you only have fragmented things to say and can only say them if there’s a number in front. I hate lists. Dare say, I loathe them. Here are three reasons why:
1. Firm believer that the only lists should be with Santa, in my favorite sports highlights and on Letterman.
2. The first list ever made was the Ten Commandments and event that had some flaws. “Thou shall not covet.” I’m single and drive a crappy Pontiac. My neighbor has a smoking hot wife and drives a brand new Audi. Commence coveting.
3. List makers are assholes. Probably.
I just don’t understand why people love lists. Buzzfeed.com consists of almost nothing but lists and they only get a few million views a day. I...think that is a lot of people actually. I would do some despicable, horrendous things to get that kind of traffic. On second thought, I could write a list or two. I could be really good at it. Who am i kidding? I'm probably awesome at it. Maybe one of my lists could impress the higher ups over at Buzzfeed. Then they could offer me a job. Give me my own office. Maybe let me drive around the company car or party on the company yacht. Maybe snort the company's coke off the breasts of the company's hookers. Sorry, I just watched The Wolf of Wall Street. If they did that though, I would shut this little shit hole website of mine down before you could say "I love lists." I swear I will. Call me Buzzfeed. I love you!