Local third grade student Randall Raines is responsible for a massive drought after drinking from the schools water fountain for too long. Witnesses say the student took his turn at the fountain after an intense fifteen minute afternoon recess. It soon became apparent to those waiting that he was drinking for way too long. He lifted his head only to take exasperated breaths and create false hope for his thirsty classmates. Shouts of "don't drink the whole Mississippi" and "leave some for the fishes" were hurled from the increasingly hostile line. Soon the dreaded “one one thousand, two one thousand” chant began. By twenty seven one thousand, a teacher was called on and the boy was removed.
Later that day reports began to come in that a local pond a few blocks from the school had inexplicably dried up completely. The aftermath being hundreds of flopping fish in the open air and one confused old man in a boat. Police and ecologists were rushed to the scene to confirm that the two were connected.
"What kind of little monster ignores the one one thousand chant like that," Detective Castlebeck asked as we interviewed him standing in the middle of the baron pond. "If I didn't have this badge to uphold that would be the last fountain that little son of a bitch ever...Sorry. It's just. You know, when I see this massive disregard of water line etiquette, my mind goes to full blender, berserker mode and all I see is red. It's little punks like Randall that keep me up at night"
"I didn't even get a drink," one of his classmates told us. "The bell went off before I could. I was so thirsty. Stupid Randall idiot face. Did you know he puts his cootie mouth right on the fountain too?"
The elementary school has since put up signs above every water fountain stating a 5 second rule while others are waiting in line. Randall was sent home with a note from his teacher to inform his parents that he killed hundreds of fish that day. Detective Castlebeck doubts the note ever reached its destination.
"You think someone who's going to drink to twenty seven one thousands is going to give a note his parents? No way," Castlebeck said. "That note is long gone along with any chance of a prosperous future for this kid. He'll probably be stealing cars soon. If you're reading this Randall Raines, just know, from here on out, if you walk across the street outside the crosswalk, if you roll through a stop sign, if you use an aerosol can in a manner other than directed, I mean I don't care. You make one slip up and I will put you away for good. Stupid idiot face"
Later that day reports began to come in that a local pond a few blocks from the school had inexplicably dried up completely. The aftermath being hundreds of flopping fish in the open air and one confused old man in a boat. Police and ecologists were rushed to the scene to confirm that the two were connected.
"What kind of little monster ignores the one one thousand chant like that," Detective Castlebeck asked as we interviewed him standing in the middle of the baron pond. "If I didn't have this badge to uphold that would be the last fountain that little son of a bitch ever...Sorry. It's just. You know, when I see this massive disregard of water line etiquette, my mind goes to full blender, berserker mode and all I see is red. It's little punks like Randall that keep me up at night"
"I didn't even get a drink," one of his classmates told us. "The bell went off before I could. I was so thirsty. Stupid Randall idiot face. Did you know he puts his cootie mouth right on the fountain too?"
The elementary school has since put up signs above every water fountain stating a 5 second rule while others are waiting in line. Randall was sent home with a note from his teacher to inform his parents that he killed hundreds of fish that day. Detective Castlebeck doubts the note ever reached its destination.
"You think someone who's going to drink to twenty seven one thousands is going to give a note his parents? No way," Castlebeck said. "That note is long gone along with any chance of a prosperous future for this kid. He'll probably be stealing cars soon. If you're reading this Randall Raines, just know, from here on out, if you walk across the street outside the crosswalk, if you roll through a stop sign, if you use an aerosol can in a manner other than directed, I mean I don't care. You make one slip up and I will put you away for good. Stupid idiot face"
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