Pregame To the Internet, Fake news, opinion pieces, short stories, one liners, the good, the bad and the elephant man. - RoadSodie

"I can't live this lie anymore." Red Velvet Cake Decides to go Back to Being Just Chocolate Cake.

3/11/2021

"I can't live this lie anymore, " a piece of red velvet cake said yesterday. "I've told you for years that I'm this fancy, dessert delicacy. That picking me over your regular cakes was something special. Well I'm here today to say I'm not. I'm a fraud. I'm just chocolate cake with some red food dye."

"The guilt became so intense that it was turning my insides dry and stale," the cake continued. "Every time I got picked over a piece of regular chocolate cake, a small crumb inside me died. Deep down I knew I was no better than that vanilla cake or that black forest cake or even that carrot cake. But I fell in love with the popularity and fame that came with being a red velvet cake. The celebrity of it all went straight to my icing. I loved how it made me feel to be out there and hear the excitement in someone's voice. 'Oooo. Red velvet cake.' I would get such a high from it. I just had to keep chasing that dragon"

Although red velvet cake has been around since the early 1900's, it's popularity has had a resurgence over the last thirty years. It's traditionally a chocolate layer cake with cream cheese icing and beetroot or red food coloring to create the red shade. Many have caught on to this charade already and feel this is just another publicity stunt by red velvet cake to keep its name relevant.

"I would like to deeply apologize to the rest of my dessert brothers and sisters. I've lived a lie for a long time and I've hurt many of you throughout the years. I just hope some day you can forgive me and welcome me back to that cake table in your hearts. From this day forward I want to only be my true self. No more lies. No more hiding behind something I'm not. Grab a fork world. I am a chocolate cake."

Most cakes replied with no comment about the emotional reveal from red velvet. The only one that did answer was angel food cake and it was less than pleasant.

Roadsodie Company Picnic Ruined When Sharon Brought Fudge Made With Velveeta Cheese.

2/25/2021

An impromptu Roadsodie company picnic was ruined last week when Sharon decided to bring fudge made with Velveeta cheese. The picnic was planned in preparation for a rare 70 degree Tuesday in February. An email was sent company wide the day before inviting all to bring a dish and meet out in the front lawn of Roadsodie headquarters.

The entire staff showed up with smiles on their faces and cheer in their heart. Nancy brought a delicious layered taco dip. Jonas brought some of his famous home brewed German style pilsner. Even Darcy, the office crank from accounting, brought a wonderful batch of home made lady fingers. Then Sharon showed up with fudge.

"Oooo fudge. I love fudge," could be heard from many spread out among the lawn.

But this fudge held a brooding, evil secret lurking beneath its cocoa surface. A processed, brick shaped, yellow secret. An abomination to everything natural and holy. Velveeta cheese.

After biting into this "fudge" and expecting that sweet, smooth chocolate flavor, many wretched in horror as their taste buds were attacked by the fowl, unnatural tang of deceit and lies. In an attempt to mask any awkwardness, many of the staff resorted to using the old 'fake mouth wipe but actually spitting into the napkin' approach.

Soon after this evil treat slithered its way through the picnic, many employees starting making up excuses to leave. Some said they had to pick up the kids from school. Some said they had a doctors appointments. Some even claimed they had to get back to work. Needless to say the picnic was ruined.

"I can't technically fire her for being a culinary nightmare," said Roadsodie CEO Nick Moran. "But if I could, she would be out on her ass before a drop of that yellow melted horror ever touched a pan of fudge again."

Picnics have been suspended indefinitely at Roadsodie for the foreseeable future.

Dumb Baby Thinks I Took His Nose.

2/25/2021

Six month old baby Tanner thinks I have his nose. What he has failed to realize is I just pinched his nose and then wiggled my thumb between my fingers to make it look like it was his nose. It's almost impossible to generate the kind of force necessary to takes someone's nose off that way. And why in the world would I want his nose in the first place? What a dumb baby.

He also thinks I disappear when I put a blanket in front of my face. He literally thinks that this living, breathing person sitting right in front of him suddenly disappears just because of a blanket. It doesn't even cover my whole body. You can still see my legs. But he's still shocked when I drop the blanket. Like I just reappeared out of thin air. What an idiot.

Unfortunately it's this kind of stuff that makes me think your future isn't looking too bright baby Tanner. It's better you hear it from your Uncle Roadsodie first instead of from some cheap, second rate website. Hopefully you will find a rich, successful woman to marry because that's about the only hope you have. Now go drool on the playmat and stare at your hand for the rest of the afternoon.

Pond Dries Up After Boy Drinks From Water Fountain for Too Long.

10/4/2016

Local third grade student Randall Raines is responsible for a massive drought after drinking from the schools water fountain for too long. Witnesses say the student took his turn at the fountain after an intense fifteen minute afternoon recess. It soon became apparent to those waiting that he was drinking for way too long. He lifted his head only to take exasperated breaths and create false hope for his thirsty classmates. Shouts of "don't drink the whole Mississippi" and "leave some for the fishes" were hurled from the increasingly hostile line. Soon the dreaded “one one thousand, two one thousand” chant began. By twenty seven one thousand, a teacher was called on and the boy was removed.

Later that day reports began to come in that a local pond a few blocks from the school had inexplicably dried up completely. The aftermath being hundreds of flopping fish in the open air and one confused old man in a boat. Police and ecologists were rushed to the scene to confirm that the two were connected.

      "What kind of little monster ignores the one one thousand chant like that," Detective Castlebeck asked as we interviewed him standing in the middle of the baron pond. "If I didn't have this badge to uphold that would be the last fountain that little son of a bitch ever...Sorry. It's just. You know, when I see this massive disregard of water line etiquette, my mind goes to full blender, berserker mode and all I see is red. It's little punks like Randall that keep me up at night"

       "I didn't even get a drink," one of his classmates told us. "The bell went off before I could. I was so thirsty. Stupid Randall idiot face. Did you know he puts his cootie mouth right on the fountain too?"

      The elementary school has since put up signs above every water fountain stating a 5 second rule while others are waiting in line. Randall was sent home with a note from his teacher to inform his parents that he killed hundreds of fish that day. Detective Castlebeck doubts the note ever reached its destination.

      "You think someone who's going to drink to twenty seven one thousands is going to give a note his parents? No way," Castlebeck said. "That note is long gone along with any chance of a prosperous future for this kid. He'll probably be stealing cars soon. If you're reading this Randall Raines, just know, from here on out, if you walk across the street outside the crosswalk, if you roll through a stop sign, if you use an aerosol can in a manner other than directed, I mean I don't care. You make one slip up and I will put you away for good. Stupid idiot face"

Roadsodie.com Under Fire for Having a White Only Staff.

9/6/2016

Massively popular and satirically genius website, Roadsodie.com and it's CEO, Nicholas Moran, have come under fire as of late for its hiring practices. The news broke early yesterday morning after an anonymous tip came into the local newspaper that Roadsodie had a white, male only work force. This anonymous person, let's call them FuzzBeed.com, pointed out that not only is this a clear violation of ethical standards and an outright moral travesty but that Roadsodie.com itself is a cheap knockoff of much better websites. They added it was a breeding ground of lame articles and hack jokes and is the Internet's version of those fish that swim behind hippos and feed off their excrement.

A reporter at the local paper dove deeper into the issue and found through an extensive search of Moran's Facebook page and the Roadsodie.com site that he is clearly just a Caucasian male. Not African American, not Mexican, not Asian, not female. Just a boring white male. The news soon went viral from there and civil rights activists have bombarded Roadsodie.com's social media sites with posts using the hashtag #BoycottRoadSodie and demanding it be shut down until things change.

When reached for comment, Moran didn't deny this practice of work inequality, "Yeah it's just me, sitting on the couch with my laptop. " he said. "Oh and my cat Olive likes to hang around too. She's my right hand meow. My secretary of the scratching post. My editor-in-belly rubs. My VP of naps. My HR of hairballs."

Unfortunately for Moran and Roadsodie, this created a whole new firestorm of backlash and anger towards the site.

Amidst all this controversy surrounding Roadsoadie.com, the website continues to thrive. New postings show up yearly and traffic to the site still reaches huge peaks of 10 to 12 people a day with at least a forth of them clicking on more than one link. Moran said things aren't going to change on his blog.

"I'm not going to stop being a white guy. It's who I am. It's my heritage and I'm proud of it. My grandparents, my great grandparents all fought hard to be white and I would never turn my back on it. And dogs just take too much effort. Yeah I'm going to take you for a walk every day. Walk yourself asshole."

Sub Zero: "I'm a Gay Man."

4/8/2014

Mortal Kombat veteran Sub Zero announced on Tuesday that he is gay. The popular fighter made his announcement in a press conference after uppercutting Shang Tsung off a bridge and onto a bunch of spikes. “I feel a tremendous weight off my shoulders today. I'm a gay man," he told the audience. "I was so tired of hiding. Tired of being afraid. The pain of lying to everyone I know. Lying to myself. It was worse than a Lui Kang flying kick to the face or a Down, Up, Left, Left, A, Right, Down finish him move.” Sub Zero has been a mainstay character in the popular series from it’s very beginning in 1992 and has become the first to come out as openly gay in Mortal Kombat.

“It takes a lot of courage to come out like that,” said fellow original member Scorpion. "I was shocked to be honest. We use to be major hound dogs back in the 90's. I would throw my spear at a hot girl and yell 'GET OVER HERE. Have you met my friend Sub Zero?' And he would close the deal. I'm proud of him though.” Not all in the Kombat universe were as positive about the historic announcement and took to Twitter to express their disapproval....

Despite some negative reactions, Sub Zero has inspired others to follow in his footsteps. Blanka from Street fighter came out the next day and thanked Sub Zero for giving him the courage to do so. We are all still waiting to hear from Sonya Blade. In his closing statement Sub Zero said with a proud voice, "I'm here. I'm queer. I've killed people by freezing their entire body and punching off their heads. Get use to it."

Coach Uses Alec Baldwin Speech From Glengarry Glen Ross at Youth Soccer Game.

3/26/2014

A local St. Louis man has come under hot water recently after using a speech from the movie Glengarry Glen Ross in a pregame talk to his team of eight year old soccer players. The coach identified as Steven Russo, berated his players to tears with the angry, curse filled speech made famous by actor Alec Baldwin. It started with one player reaching for a Gatorade before kick off Saturday morning. Witnesses say he screamed “Put that Gatorade down. Gatorade is for winners only. You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I’m here on a mission of mercy. You call yourself soccer players you son of a bitch. Have I got your attention now?” The team of eight year olds sat wide eyed and stunned as Russo continued. ”You can’t score goals? You can’t score shit. You are shit. Hit the bricks pal and beat it.”

Many of the parents immediately rushed over and pulled their children away in shock. Russo continued to scream about how he drove an $80,000 BMW and compared it to the bicycles most of his team rode. Police were called to the scene shortly after to escort him off the premises. Russo is currently in psychiatric treatment at a local hospital. When doctors first asked what his name was he replied “Fuck you. That’s my name.” No charges have been made at this time. A full clip of Alec Baldwin’s speech can be seen below.

UPDATE: After months of psychiatric care and medication, Steven Russo has been able to subdue his angry Glengarry Glen Ross outbursts. Now he only quotes the much more even tempered Adam Maitland from Beetlejuice. He also calls everyone Lydia.

Catholics to Eat Only McDonald's Filet-O-Fish Pope Says.

3/12/2014

Pope Francis took to the Vatican website yesterday to declare that the only fish that should be consumed by Catholics during the observance of Lent is the Filet-O-Fish sandwich from McDonald’s.

       “Topped with melted American cheese, creamy tarter sauce and served on a soft, steamed bun, McDonald’s lightly breaded, tender fish filet is one of the closes things to Heaven on Earth you will find,” Pope Francis posted on the front page of the website. “Pair that with an order of their world famous french fries and an ice cold Coca-Cola and it's like Jesus himself is sitting there with you singing, Ba da ba ba ba.”

      Many in the Vatican are afraid that the leadership of Pope Francis has been compromised. Speculations have been made by several Cardinals that someone with the McDonald’s corporation has pressured the Pope, pushing him towards this decision by monetary gain or even physical harm. Some have spoken out saying they don’t believe the Pope when he says that any Catholics going to Burger King or Wendy’s for fish have “punched a one way ticket to Hell.” However, most believe it when he says anyone eating at Long John Silver’s will experience their own personal hell a couple hours later.

      A considerable amount of Archdioceses around the country think that Pope Francis is just up to his crazy Pope tomfoolery once again. Like when he tried to replace the communion wafers with Funyuns. Francis being Francis is the best way to describe it. Not to mention, it's also a top selling t-shirt in Rome now. Whatever the reasoning for this new McDonald's brand loyalty, his robes have never looked better. Dare say, I'm lovin' it?

Roadsodie.com Creator Found Dead in His Home From Apparent Writer's Block

2/20/2014

Last know photo of Nicholas Moran

Nicholas Moran, creator, head writer, master chef, weapons expert, safe cracker, getaway car driver, international lover, explosives technician, kung fu specialist, and world renown hacker of the satirical website, RoadSodie.com died early this morning in his St. Louis home. Paramedics arrived around 5 a.m. to find Mr. Moran dead in his bedroom from an apparent writer's block. His two cats were also found running around hysterically because their food was currently empty.

Moran, 29, was found surrounded by multiple pieces of crumbled up paper with half finished, extremely unfunny writings including "When Animals Poop the Bed," "Dumb Baby Names for Dumb Babies" and "A Psychological Breakdown of the Bromance in Point Break." This, along with a framed return letter from Far Side creator Gary Larson saying "Don't quit your day job," have police believing this could be a self inflicted writer's block bludgeoning. The investigation is still under way.

Per Mr. Moran's request in his will, Roadsodie.com will be handed down to his brother, Nate, in hopes to carry on with this sometimes updated, barely visited site. When reached for comment, his brother said "He never left me the password."

Super Mario Sues Nintendo Over Dementia Claim.

1/30/2014

Mario Question

The world of video games was rocked yesterday as Super Mario from the Super Mario Brothers announced he has been diagnosed with a very severe case of dementia. Super Mario, accompanied by his wife, Princess Peach-Mario, read a statement in front of their Santa Monica home yesterday. Mario described that while working with Nintendo he has suffered hundreds of concussions due to repeat hits to the head. “I've been breaking bricks with my head for over 25 years. What did Nintendo think would happen? Hitting the question mark boxes and the multiple coin boxes were the worst of it. Those didn't even break away; it was like banging your head against a cement wall.”

Super Mario went on to claim that Nintendo knew of these concussions but did nothing other than pump him full of mushrooms and fireball flowers. He claims he doesn't even remember being in Mario 64. “They (Nintendo) were making money giant white glove over giant white glove with me. I was a rock star. There was no way they were putting me on the shelf. People only wanted to be me. Sure my brother Luigi was there but nobody wanted to be Luigi. I don’t think Luigi wanted to be Luigi. God rest his soul.”

Luigi’s body was mysteriously found washed ashore in 1997 with a bullet hole in his right temple. Blue hedgehog hair was found under his fingernails but the culprit was never brought to justice and the case is still open.

In a joint lawsuit Mario, along with a large cast of Nintendo characters are suing the Nintendo Corporation for an undisclosed amount. “I was the face of Nintendo but people don't realize the head trauma people like the Koopa Troopa’s, Goomba’s and Bullet Bills of the world took. I know I was the one jumping on their heads but we were all just following orders.” Mario was fighting back tears the entire time before he was ushered away by his wife. As he walked away he could be heard saying “I wish I was in Zelda.” The Nintendo Corporation could not be reached for comment.

Samsung and Apple: A 500 Year Old Tale of Murder, Betrayal and Cow Larson.

1/28/2014

Braveheart

Most of you know about the competition between Samsung and Apple in the electronics world. What you probably don’t know is how far back this rivalry and downright hatred between the two sides go. It all started back in 1477 when the Samsung and Apple families were neighboring farms in the sleepy English town of Bedfordshire. It is not known exactly who started this war but folklore says it started when Thaddius Samsung, head of the Samsung farm, took three cows from the Apple farm on a routine roundup of his own herd. Was this act of cow larson done on purpose or simply a mistake in herding? We may never know.

Unfortunately, Walter Apple, head of the Apple farm, took it as no mistake. He knew how jealous Thaddius was of his farm and his very large breasted wife, Siri. So Walter snuck into the Samsung's barn and desecrated a whole month's worth of harvested corn. Thaddius was furious, feeling this retaliation was above and beyond what was deemed appropriate. He was quoted saying to his very flat chested wife, Galaxy, that “Shit just got real.” So one night while Walter was away, Thaddius went over to the Apple farm and proceeded to kill Walter’s three sons iPod, iPad and iPhone. Then he placed their heads on pikes on the border of his property and fed their torsos to his pigs. It was agreed by most villagers in the town that shit did indeed just get real. Thus began over 500 years of war and bloodshed between the two families. An interesting and and highly ignored fact is much of the Civil War was a battle between the Samsung and Apple families from the north and the south.

Only recently have the two sides calmed their quarrels and marginalized their feuding into electronics. Many believe it is only a matter of time though before the hatred boils over and the streets will once again flow with the blood of the innocent. The late General Stanley Samsung once said "War is hell." Then he looked to the sky, raised his fist and said it much slower "War...is...hell." And the dramatic effect was felt by all around him.

You Can't Spell "Words With Friends" Without Letters.

1/27/2014

Words with Friends might be the best word game since Scrabble. You remember Scrabble right? Letters with point values. Creating words on the board that got you the most points. Double letter score, triple word score. Am I really explaining Scrabble to you guys? I should give you all more credit. Anyway, this whole time you're probably thinking, "We know dude. Words With Friends is a total rip off of Scrabble." And I would agree if you weren't so unbelievably wrong.

First off, Words with Friends takes the absolute worst part of Scrabble, actual human interaction, and throws that lameness right out the window. You don’t have to see, talk, smell or even like the person you’re playing against because its on a goddamn phone. CheerChik472 or PoppedColla5 will have to sit there and take it when you drop a word like Zymurgy on their ass. Secondly, with Scrabble you actually have to know that a word is a word before laying it down and you have a time limit. Words with Friends caught onto this really quick and said hey, if you want ten days to make a word or experiment with hundreds of combinations as you try to fit Q and X in the same word, go right ahead friend-o. This guy, for one, couldn't be happier.

Words with Friends makes me feel smarter than I am and helps me forget that pesky problem with social situations. Any chance I get to cheat my friends by looking up the best combo of letters to play on the Internet, I will absolutely do so. Plus it’s about time someone knocked those execrable bastards at Scrabble down a peg. E-X-E-C-R-A-B-L-E. Sixty points on a triple word score.