Buzz McCallister. Son. Brother. Lover of eating all the cheese pizza. Buzz is the much cooler, older brother of that little trout sniffing, shit sack Kevin McCallister from Home Alone. With his quick witted, devil may care attitude it's obvious who the star of these films should have been. While we had to watch Kevin do dreadfully boring things like jump up and down on his parents bed like a little jerk, learn how to do laundry and be afraid of the furnace in the basement like a total wuss-bag, I can't help wonder about the kooky hijinx Buzz was up to. I mean what was he doing while he waited in those hotels in France and Florida while Kevin ran amuck? He was probably crackin' so much wise with the hotel staff. Shootin' the shit with the doorman. Talking tarantula care with the maids. You know, just Buzz being Buzz. That's what I want to see.
With Kevin hogging all the screen time, all the questions I want to know about Buzz are left unanswered. Like what kind of relationship does he have with his girlfriend? The one that Kevin, that little prepubescent asshole, mockingly woofed at when he found her picture in his trunk. Did he ever find out if indeed French chicks don't shave their pits? Did he plan to hilariously embarrass his brother at the Christmas pageant or was that improvised? How was he able to keep his hair so spiked up in that crazy Florida humidity? I don't know because I'm watching Kevin learn how to buy a fucking toothbrush instead. Ugh.
And let's face it, Buzz nailed it on the head (literally) about the neighbor who supposedly kills and turns his victims into salt for his driveway. Did you notice the homicidal rage in that dude's face when he drove that snow shovel into the brains of Marv and Harry? Those are the unblinking, murderous eyes of a man who has killed before. That's a man who knows what blood looks like splattered across a freshly fallen snow in the full moonlight. A man who has used that shovel as a harborer of dozens of innocent souls. As long as there are icy pavements in the world to salt, his killing rampage will never end. Buzz and I can guarantee you that.
With Kevin hogging all the screen time, all the questions I want to know about Buzz are left unanswered. Like what kind of relationship does he have with his girlfriend? The one that Kevin, that little prepubescent asshole, mockingly woofed at when he found her picture in his trunk. Did he ever find out if indeed French chicks don't shave their pits? Did he plan to hilariously embarrass his brother at the Christmas pageant or was that improvised? How was he able to keep his hair so spiked up in that crazy Florida humidity? I don't know because I'm watching Kevin learn how to buy a fucking toothbrush instead. Ugh.
And let's face it, Buzz nailed it on the head (literally) about the neighbor who supposedly kills and turns his victims into salt for his driveway. Did you notice the homicidal rage in that dude's face when he drove that snow shovel into the brains of Marv and Harry? Those are the unblinking, murderous eyes of a man who has killed before. That's a man who knows what blood looks like splattered across a freshly fallen snow in the full moonlight. A man who has used that shovel as a harborer of dozens of innocent souls. As long as there are icy pavements in the world to salt, his killing rampage will never end. Buzz and I can guarantee you that.
And even when the McCallister's vacation is ruined and the family has to come home, Buzz, being the man he is smiles, puts his arm around that mother fucker of a brother and compliments him,
"It’s pretty cool you didn’t burn the place down.”
You know what I say Buzz? It's pretty cool you're such a man of compassion and patience. It's pretty cool you put up with this little eyebrow raising dickbag day in and day out. It's pretty cool that you realize the good things you have in life while this ungrateful jag bag takes it all for granted. For that and the countless amount of other great things you do, Roadsodie raises a glass to you. Salud Buzz McCallister.
"It’s pretty cool you didn’t burn the place down.”
You know what I say Buzz? It's pretty cool you're such a man of compassion and patience. It's pretty cool you put up with this little eyebrow raising dickbag day in and day out. It's pretty cool that you realize the good things you have in life while this ungrateful jag bag takes it all for granted. For that and the countless amount of other great things you do, Roadsodie raises a glass to you. Salud Buzz McCallister.
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