Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person that gets what Kanye is trying to do.  It's a tough island to be on. Huuhh!

     Todd Deright, 42, screamed at his TV from his Pennsylvania home during an episode of Jeopardy Tuesday afternoon.  His anger stemming from all three contestants seemingly avoiding the 'Sports' category on the board during the Double Jeopardy round.

      Todd, sitting in his Jerome Bettis Pittsburg Steelers jersey, was pleading with the contestants to pick the 'Sports' category.  Instead all the contestants seamlessly worked through all five other categories on the board which included Shakespeare, Potpourri, Foreign Colleges and Universities, Books In German, and World Geography.

       "Sure you idiots know Othello went to fight the Turks in Cyprus but you don't know anything about The Malice in the Palace between the Pacers and Pistons," said the increasingly enraged sports fan.  "So what if  Atacama is South America's most arid desert region located in Northern Chile.  I bet you didn't know Marcus Allen won Super Bowl MVP in 1984 and then went on to win regular season MVP the next year."

      Things went from bad to worse for Todd when time ran out before the contestants could get to the Sports category.  "If you didn't spend five minutes in the interview portion talking about how your stupid hike up Mount Kilimanjaro changed your life, we could have gotten to sports."

​      Fortunately for Todd, the Final Jeopardy category that day was Pittsburg Penguin Stanley Cup Wins.  Unfortunately he had already changed the channel to Cash Cab.

      .

      "He grew up in the 90's," Susan Metcalf said of her husband Joel.​ "I figured when we started dating there would be some post grunge, alt rock baggage but I never thought it would be this bad."

      "All he talks about is Gavin.  Gavin this, Gavin that.  Did you see Gavin's latest post on Instagram? Here's why Razorblade Suitcase is such a great album.  Can we break down 'Everything Zen' lyrics?  Let's watch Constantine again. Blah, blah blah. It's infuriating.  What is a Machinehead anyway?  No one knows.  It sounds like mushmouth bullshit to me."
       
       Susan said their relationship didn't start like this.  They dated for a couple years and Joel would tell her about all kinds of bands he loved.  Bush being just one of the many listed. 

      "He hid his love of Bush, mostly his love of Gavin pretty well at first," she explained.  "I only knew a few songs and he really didn't play much of them when we were dating. He would say things like, when I saw Bush back in 98, Gavin did this or they played that.  I thought, oh this guy just loves live music.  Little did I know it was the ninth time he saw Bush in 98. In the front row.  With a handmade sign. A...handmade....sign."

        Fangirling aside, Susan and Joel fell deeply in love.  He ended up proposing  in a beautiful little park in London.  It was one of the happiest days in Susan's life.  She didn't know it at the time but it was the same spot Gavin proposed to Gwen Stefani.

        "I didn't find out about that one until we had been married a few years," she said.  "I guess I should have figured it out though. When he was down on one knee he told me he didn't want to come back down from this cloud."

        "Oh come on.  I don't love Gavin that much," Joel said when asked about his obsession.  "I just don't let the days go by.  Sure,  I could have been easier on you.  I couldn't change though I wanted to.  And yes, it should have been easier by three but it's just our old friend fear and you and me..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................glycerine."

        Let me start by saying Huey Lewis and the News are a goddamn national treasure.  Nic Cage should have been trying to steal the original pressing of the album Sports and not the Declaration of Independence kind of national treasure.  Now HLN can typically be described as a safe and wholesome form of entertainment.  Most of their songs talk about rock n' roll, breakups and heartaches, love and the power of. But there's one song, that's a little different.  One song that's been sitting right under our noses for over 30 years and most of you didn't even realize it.

         On the 1986 album Fore! there's a song called "Whole Lotta Lovin."   In typical HLN fashion, this song is catchy as fuck.  Catchy fucking hook.  Catchy fucking rhythm.  Huey fucking killing that vocal track.  The News doing what they do best.  Fucking grooving their asses off.   Also great fucking lyrics about.....being sex deprived and raging hard ons:

I'm tired of these girlie magazines
I want to stop dreamin', and get back home to the real thing
Late last night I read the letter you sent
Woke up this morning, under a tent

       It's pretty self explanatory but you're here so let's break it down shall we? Huey's out on the road rocking concert venues from DC, San Antone and the Liberty Town, Boston and Baton Rouge, Tulsa, Austin, Oklahoma City, Seattle, San Francisco too.  But he's lonely.  He's on that tour bus and he's missing his girl back home.  Now it's the 1980's.  How would one alleviate that loneliness before the Internet?  Get those girlie magazines of course. But those girlie magazines will only go so far.  You gotta get back to the real thing at some point.

​      Now one night Huey's on the tour bus with his magazines and some filthy letter his girl sent him and he's preparing to play his own personal one man show.  Then Johnny (owwwww!) interrupts him with some dumb saxophone question that could have waited until the morning. The moment is ruined.  So Huey just goes to sleep.  He's got the girlie magazines racing in his head and he's got a girl back home he hasn't had sex with all tour long.   That's a perfect recipe to wake up under the preverbal tent.

       Now if you are worried about if Huey will ever score again, no need to fret.  The song does have a happy ending for lack of a better term.  In the third verse after a fucking blistering harmonica solo by Huey (typical), he lets us know there is a light at the end of this lonely masturbation tunnel.  

Everybody else is holding hands
I'm here lonely, playing around with my microphone stand
But I'm coming home, only one more week
The first three days we won't get no sleep

      One more week of that lonely microphone stand then it's finally home to see his girl and to celebrate with some gourmet meals, some fine wine and three days of straight fucking.  Like I said,  Huey Lewis and the News.  Goddamn national treasure. 

      After watching 3 Doors Down perform for the inauguration celebration of President-Elect Donald Trump, Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger proclaimed how glad he was that he wasn't 3 Doors Down. After years of being the butt of almost every joke ever created for a rock band, Kroger could not hold back his excitement that his band will no longer be the punch line for shitty bands across the country.

      "I am beyond ecstatic," Kroeger said as he clapped his hands and did little running butterfly kicks across the studio.  "I really thought a day like this would never come.  I mean, I made peace with the fact that people were just going to drop Nickelback into every joke about music for the rest of time.  But then 3 Doors Down, those beautiful, dumb bastards, dropped us the biggest lifeline ever."

     Kroger said as soon he found out they were playing Trump's inauguration, he knew that Nickelback was forever in the clear and 3 Doors Down had just cemented their place as music's biggest joke.

      "Thank God for that bullfrog looking mother fucker and his band of backwater hillbillies,"  Kroeger added.  "Goodbye to all those 'look at this photograph' memes and 'what's worse than Nickelback? Nickelback' jokes.  I even tested one of our jokes out on the street today.  I told this guy if you play a 3 Doors Down song backwards you hear the devil.  Even worse, if you play if forward you hear 3 Doors Down.  The dude doubled over with laughter.  It might have been the greatest moment I've ever experienced."

      Fellow hard rock band and fellow easy target, Creed, took to social media to thank 3 Doors Down as well:  

        Kroeger and Nickelback said they still plan on making plenty of music in the future but at least they weren't the band that played at Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony.

        "It's a gift that's going to keep on giving."

      Buzz McCallister.  Son.  Brother.  Lover of eating all the cheese pizza.  Buzz is the much cooler, older brother of that little trout sniffing, shit sack Kevin McCallister from Home Alone.  With his quick witted, devil may care attitude it's obvious who the star of these films should have been.  While we had to watch Kevin do dreadfully boring things like jump up and down on his parents bed like a little jerk, learn how to do laundry and be afraid of the furnace in the basement like a total wuss-bag, I can't help wonder about the kooky hijinx Buzz was up to.  I mean what was he doing while he waited in those hotels in France and Florida while Kevin ran amuck? He was probably crackin' so much wise with the hotel staff.  Shootin' the shit with the doorman.  Talking tarantula care with the maids.  You know, just Buzz being Buzz.  That's what I want to see.

      With Kevin hogging all the screen time, all the questions I want to know about Buzz are left unanswered.  Like what kind of relationship does he have with his girlfriend? The one that Kevin, that little prepubescent asshole,  mockingly woofed at when he found her picture in his trunk.  Did he ever find out if indeed French chicks don't shave their pits?  Did he plan to hilariously embarrass his brother at the Christmas pageant or was that improvised?  How was he able to keep his hair so spiked up in that crazy Florida humidity? I don't know because I'm watching Kevin learn how to buy a fucking toothbrush instead. Ugh.

​    And let's face it, Buzz nailed it on the head (literally) about the neighbor who supposedly kills and turns his victims into salt for his driveway.  Did you notice the homicidal rage in that dude's face when he drove that snow shovel into the brains of Marv and Harry?  Those are the unblinking, murderous eyes of a man who has killed before.  That's a man who knows what blood looks like splattered across a freshly fallen snow in the full moonlight. A man who has used that shovel as a harborer of dozens of innocent souls.  As long as there are icy pavements in the world to salt, his killing rampage will never end.  Buzz and I can guarantee you that.

      And even when the McCallister's vacation is ruined and the family has to come home, Buzz, being the man he is smiles, puts his arm around that mother fucker of a brother and compliments him,

     "It’s pretty cool you didn’t burn the place down.”  

     You know what I say Buzz?  It's pretty cool you're such a man of compassion and patience. It's pretty cool you put up with this little eyebrow raising dickbag day in and day out.  It's pretty cool that you realize the good things you have in  life while this ungrateful jag bag takes it all for granted. For that and the countless amount of other great things you do, Roadsodie raises a glass to you.  Salud Buzz McCallister.

Dear Nirvana's "Nevermind", 
 
       You turn 25 years old today. Congratulations.  You can legally rent a car now.  I bought you from one of those  12 CDs for a penny ads and I couldn't have been more excited to rock with you.  You came in the mail with the likes of Smash Mouth's "Fush Yu Mang" , Sheryl Crow's "Tuesday Night Music Club", Boys II Men "Cooleyhighharmony" and the Above the Rim soundtrack.  But rest assured, it was you I really wanted.

​      Even though you're probably in a junkyard somewhere, still under the seat of my 1988 Buick Skyhawk, I still remember the good times we had and want to thank you for being such a bad ass album that I once owned.  Then later burned for free off Napster.  Then burned for free off Limewire. Then ripped  from a torrent site for free.  Now I just stream you from Spotify. Free.  Oddly enough I still own Smash Mouth no matter how hard I try to get rid of.  It's a demon I can't seem to exorcise.  It's like I might as well be walking on the sun. 

Sincerely,
Your smelly teen spirit.

      Starting this week, The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon will change the guest segment of the show to only include the most evil, dangerous and racists guests. In a short press release sent out early this morning, The Tonight Show said the change came after Fallon had such a great time with Donald Trump on last week's show.

      "After I playfully tussled Trump's rad hair last Thursday, I realized I should have more rad people like him on,"  Fallon said in the press release.  "I'm tired of having great actors and musicians on that people actually enjoy.  I'd be way more stoked to talk to racist, misogynistic, serial liars.  The more despicable and vile you are as a human being, the radder.  Now you don't necessarily have to be a murderer or a rapist but it would be totally rad if you were.  I think doing the thank you notes segment with someone who took an innocent life would be so rad. Or a lip sync battle with someone who wants to eliminate an entire race of people.  So rad.  So, so rad."

​      The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon airs weeknights on NBC.  This weeks guest list includes:

Charles Manson

Kim Jong Un

Adolf Hitler

Ramsay Bolton

Cruella Deville

     After performing with Bruno Mars at Super Bowl XLVII, Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers made public that he is officially trying to find out how far he can go before women will stop wanting to fuck him.  The 51 year old front man has gone to great lengths to see how far is far enough to keep women away.  

      Everything from appearing shirtless on stage after letting his body grow into a plump, Pillsbury Doughboy version of its former self, to wearing weird leggings under his shorts, to growing the dirtiest, most pedophile mustache he possibly could. Kiedis hopes this Super Bowl performance will once and for all help him find out how much it takes to turn from a Rock n' Roll sex idol to that creepy older guy who works at your local gas station.  Only time will tell.