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"At Least We're Not 3 Doors Down,"  Says Nickelback Frontman.

1/19/2017

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      After watching 3 Doors Down perform for the inauguration celebration of President-Elect Donald Trump, Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger proclaimed how glad he was that he wasn't 3 Doors Down. After years of being the butt of almost every joke ever created for a rock band, Kroger could not hold back his excitement that his band will no longer be the punch line for shitty bands across the country.

      "I am beyond ecstatic," Kroeger said as he clapped his hands and did little running butterfly kicks across the studio.  "I really thought a day like this would never come.  I mean, I made peace with the fact that people were just going to drop Nickelback into every joke about music for the rest of time.  But then 3 Doors Down, those beautiful, dumb bastards, dropped us the biggest lifeline ever."

     Kroger said as soon he found out they were playing Trump's inauguration, he knew that Nickelback was forever in the clear and 3 Doors Down had just cemented their place as music's biggest joke.

      "Thank God for that bullfrog looking mother fucker and his band of backwater hillbillies,"  Kroeger added.  "Goodbye to all those 'look at this photograph' memes and 'what's worse than Nickelback? Nickelback' jokes.  I even tested one of our jokes out on the street today.  I told this guy if you play a 3 Doors Down song backwards you hear the devil.  Even worse, if you play if forward you hear 3 Doors Down.  The dude doubled over with laughter.  It might have been the greatest moment I've ever experienced."

      Fellow hard rock band and fellow easy target, Creed, took to social media to thank 3 Doors Down as well:  
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        Kroeger and Nickelback said they still plan on making plenty of music in the future but at least they weren't the band that played at Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony.

        "It's a gift that's going to keep on giving."
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I Wouldn't Let You Stay in My Room if You Were Growing on My Ass:  An Ode to Buzz McCallister.

12/7/2016

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      Buzz McCallister.  Son.  Brother.  Lover of eating all the cheese pizza.  Buzz is the much cooler, older brother of that little trout sniffing, shit sack Kevin McCallister from Home Alone.  With his quick witted, devil may care attitude it's obvious who the star of these films should have been.  While we had to watch Kevin do dreadfully boring things like jump up and down on his parents bed like a little jerk, learn how to do laundry and be afraid of the furnace in the basement like a total pussy, I can't help wonder about the kooky hijinx Buzz was up to.  I mean what was he doing while he waited in those hotels in France and Florida while Kevin ran amuck? He was probably crackin' so much wise with the hotel staff.  Shootin' the shit with the doorman.  Talking tarantula care with the maids.  You know, just Buzz being Buzz.  That's what I want to see.

      With Kevin hogging all the screen time, all the questions I want to know about Buzz are left unanswered.  Like what kind of relationship does he have with his girlfriend? The one that Kevin, that little prepubescent asshole,  mockingly woofed at when he found her picture in his trunk.  Did he ever find out if indeed French chicks don't shave their pits?  Did he plan to hilariously embarrass his brother at the Christmas pageant or was that improvised?  How was he able to keep his hair so spiked up in that crazy Florida humidity? I don't know because I'm watching Kevin learn how to buy a fucking toothbrush instead. Ugh.

​    And let's face it, Buzz nailed it on the head (literally) about the neighbor who supposedly kills and turns his victims into salt for his driveway.  Did you notice the homicidal rage in that dude's face when he drove that snow shovel into the brains of Marv and Harry?  Those are the unblinking, murderous eyes of a man who has killed before.  That's a man who knows what blood looks like splattered across a freshly fallen snow in the full moonlight. A man who has used that shovel as a harborer of dozens of innocent souls.  As long as there are icy pavements in the world to salt, his killing rampage will never end.  Buzz and I can guarantee you that.

16-shove

      And even when the McCallister's vacation is ruined and the family has to come home, Buzz, being the man he is smiles, puts his arm around that mother fucker of a brother and compliments him,

     "It’s pretty cool you didn’t burn the place down.”  

     You know what I say Buzz?  It's pretty cool you're such a man of compassion and patience. It's pretty cool you put up with this little eyebrow raising dickbag day in and day out.  It's pretty cool that you realize the good things you have in  life while this ungrateful jag bag takes it all for granted. For that and the countless amount of other great things you do, Roadsodie raises a glass to you.  Salud Buzz McCallister.
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Nirvana's "Nevermind" Turns 25 Today.

9/23/2016

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Dear Nirvana's "Nevermind", 
 
       You turn 25 years old today. Congratulations.  You can legally rent a car now.  I bought you from one of those  12 CDs for a penny ads and I couldn't have been more excited to rock with you.  You came in the mail with the likes of Smash Mouth's "Fush Yu Mang" , Sheryl Crow's "Tuesday Night Music Club", Boys II Men "Cooleyhighharmony" and the Above the Rim soundtrack.  But rest assured, it was you I really wanted.

​      Even though you're probably in a junkyard somewhere, still under the seat of my 1988 Buick Skyhawk, I still remember the good times we had and want to thank you for being such a bad ass album that I once owned.  Then later burned for free off Napster.  Then burned for free off Limewire. Then ripped  from a torrent site for free.  Now I just stream you from Spotify. Free.  Oddly enough I still own Smash Mouth no matter how hard I try to get rid of.  It's a demon I can't seem to exorcise.  It's like I might as well be walking on the sun. 

Sincerely,
Your smelly teen spirit.
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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon Announces Change in Format.

9/18/2016

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      Starting this week, The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon will change the guest segment of the show to only include the most evil, dangerous and racists guests. In a short press release sent out early this morning, The Tonight Show said the change came after Fallon had such a great time with Donald Trump on last week's show.

      "After I playfully tussled Trump's rad hair last Thursday, I realized I should have more rad people like him on,"  Fallon said in the press release.  "I'm tired of having great actors and musicians on that people actually enjoy.  I'd be way more stoked to talk to racist, misogynistic, serial liars.  The more despicable and vile you are as a human being, the radder.  Now you don't necessarily have to be a murderer or a rapist but it would be totally rad if you were.  I think doing the thank you notes segment with someone who took an innocent life would be so rad. Or a lip sync battle with someone who wants to eliminate an entire race of people.  So rad.  So, so rad."

​      The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon airs weeknights on NBC.  This weeks guest list includes:
Charles Manson
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Kim Jong Un
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Adolf Hitler
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Ramsay Bolton
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Cruella Deville
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I Am Groot

8/7/2014

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      Most of you have just recently been introduced to this goofy, giant tree character with one line named Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy.  Little known fact, Groot has been around for a long time.  I'm surprised no one has noticed him in some of the most famous...Listen I don't really feel like swinging this into a real article.  Truth be told, I was just really bored today and thought, "Hey what if I put Groot in some historical photos." I laughed for awhile.  Then I got bored doing this and watched reruns of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Maybe you will get a kick out of this  Maybe you won't.  Frankly, I don't give a shit.  I laughed. That's all that matters.  
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The Lead Singer of That Band You Don't Know is Going Solo

7/8/2014

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      The lead singer of that one local band you don’t know; I think his name is Toby or Tanner or maybe even Eric, is going solo. Citing musical differences with his band-mates, Chad(?) said on his Facebook page Tuesday that the band wasn't going in the direction he wanted.  He felt they became too main stream with songs like "Shred my Heart like Shredded Wheat," and "Cut to Care, Care to Cut" He stated they should have stuck to their early roots with songs like "Throw Me A Life Preserver Because I'm Drowning in My Own Tears," "There's No Emoticon for this Heartache," and that song that kinda sounds like Weezer crossed with Green Day.

      “Once we got fifth in that community college talent show, our popularity skyrocketed,” the singer, I want to say his name is Garret now, said.  “We had a goal in mind when we first made this band but after touring a twenty mile radius around our house for a couple weeks, it all went downhill.  Jimmy quit, Jody got married. I shoulda known we’d never get, you know, to be any fucking better.”

      The dude’s parents and the three guys that show up to all the gigs were disappointed to hear of the break but are excited to see what pizza joints and garage parties this new venture will take him to.  

      “I can't wait to see all the telephone polls with gig flyers stapled to them that have just my name on them....with 'formerly of' and my old band name in parentheses behind it.  It's a new chapter for me.  I feel like going solo will really bring out the deep, poetic lyrics of my soul. Like they say, when life hands you lemons, it opens a door.”


      See whatever his name is this weekend playing his first solo show at the 6th Annual Kirkwood Chili Cookoff and Yoga Appreciation Festival at 1:30 pm.

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What If Every Movie Title Told You The Ending Like Lone Survivor?

6/5/2014

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      Lone Survivor came out on DVD this week.  It stars Mark Wahlberg in the true story of a Navy Seal and his team on a mission to capture a deadly Taliban leader only to be ambushed behind enemy lines. The team is left for the fight for their lives in one of the most valiant efforts of modern warfare.  Now I basically just ripped that right from the back of the DVD case.  I don't really give a shit about this movie. All I see in this is Hollywood milking the cash cow that is American pride. It's a simple formula. Throw some American heroes in enemy territory and watch them prevail by either killing all the bad guys or saying some cheesy line when they sacrifice themselves to kill all the bad guys.  Then watch as that patriotic self admiration swells up and that patriotic wallet slims down. It's so easy to drape a turd movie in the American flag and watch these red, white and blue dumb asses flock to it like ants to a 4th of July picnic.  

      Now before all you Military can do no wrong, super Americans jump down my throat (You know who you are.  You have an everyday wearin' camo hat which is totally different from your goin' out on the town camo hat.) just relax a second.  Yes, the true story itself is heroic and tragic and harrowing.  The men they portray and those like it are real heroes and I truly appreciate everything they do.  All I do is sit behind a laptop and make dick jokes.  There is no way a pussy like me could even make it through basic training. So don't get all butt hurt because you have horrible taste in movies.  

      Anyway, that's not even what this article is about.  I just went on what we city folk call a tangent.  Now my main point. Coming from the prospective of a fan and admirer of cinema, I have one huge problem with Lone Survivor.  THEY PUT THE FUCKING ENDING IN THE FUCKING TITLE.  Lone Survivor?!?! I wonder how many people are going to live. There's like five guys on that team I can count in the previews.  I can take a pretty accurate guess how many make it out. Maybe just Mark Wahlberg?  I'm guessing since he's on the cover of the poster, he might have a great shot at it.  Call me crazy but Ben Foster sure as hell isn't going to make it out! Sorry Ben, I hope you weren't counting on being in Lone Survivor 2.  So this got me thinking, what if other movies took the Lone Survivor approach;  giving away the ending or exposing major plot points in the title.  Let's see what it looks like....(REALLY OLD SPOILERS AFTER THE BREAK)

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The John Frusciante Interview.

2/24/2014

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Frusciante
      Being a very small time blog, I don’t usually get to interview celebrities or anyone remotely famous for that matter.  So you can imagine my excitement when I was given the opportunity to interview the one and only John Frusciante, former guitar player of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  John was a part of the Chili Peppers during most of their rise to stardom and ultimate worldwide success.  With hits like “Under the Bridge,” “Scar Tissue” and “Dani California,” Frusciante carved his name into the list of all-time great guitar players and song writers. In 2008, he left the band for undisclosed reasons and most have not heard from him since.  

      Recently I contacted his agent and inquired to his whereabouts for an interview.  His people gave me an address of an IHOP in southern California and told me to be by the dumpsters around 11 in the morning.  As you can suspect, I was puzzled but I went there anyway.  Right around 11, a skinny figure appeared in the doorway wearing a grease covered apron and a hairnet.  As I approached, he lit a cigarette and I realized it was the one and only John Frusciante....



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Which Gravity Character Are You?

2/4/2014

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Take this simple quiz and find out....

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Kiedis: "How Far do I Have to go for Women to Stop Wanting to Fuck Me."

2/2/2014

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     After performing with Bruno Mars at Super Bowl XLVII, Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers made public that he is officially trying to find out how far he can go before women will stop wanting to fuck him.  The 51 year old front man has gone to great lengths to see how far is far enough to keep women away.  

      Everything from appearing shirtless on stage after letting his body grow into a plump, Pillsbury Doughboy version of its former self, to wearing weird leggings under his shorts, to growing the dirtiest, most pedophile mustache he possibly could. Kiedis hopes this Super Bowl performance will once and for all help him find out how much it takes to turn from a Rock n' Roll sex idol to that creepy older guy who works at your local gas station.  Only time will tell.

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I am Soooooo Super Pissed About the New I, Frankenstein Movie:  A Special Guest Editorial by Frankenstein's Monster 

2/1/2014

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Frankenstein
       I consider myself a pretty laid back, simple kind of creature. I’ve only asked for a few things in life.  A sexy, tall haired wife, the occasional romp through the village to scare locals, and not to tarnish this image I’ve worked so hard to uphold. Up until now, (if you ignore the 1993 Frankenberry Slander Lawsuit/ Frankenberry Disappearance Case) those needs have been met.  So yesterday, I turned on the television to watch The Steve Harvey Show as I do most mornings and I see this ridiculous trailer for a movie called I, Frankenstein.  I was so shocked I spit my mango chai tea clear across the room.  Not only was I not asked permission or approached about this movie but they actually advertise that it’s from the creators of Underworld. Urrrrgghhhhhhh.  That’s like a dentist advertising “From the creator of your last extremely painful root canal, comes another extremely painful root canal.” 

      Now a whole generation of young people who may not know me could be ruined forever.  The great works I did in Bride of Frankenstein. Abbott and Castello Meet Frankenstein, The Munsters and my Mary Shelly collaborations; all down the drain and replaced with this:

      “Set in a dystopic present where vigilant gargoyles and ferocious demons rage in a battle for ultimate power, Victor Frankenstein's creation Adam (Aaron Eckhart) finds himself caught in the middle as both sides race to discover the secret to his immortality.”

      Vigilant gargoyles?  Ferocious demons?  You know what I'm fighting at my age? Vigilant diabetes and a ferociously swollen prostate.  And listen, I've never met Aaron Eckhart.  I feel like I would have no problem with him personally.  He seems like a nice, upstanding individual.  He’s had an excellent movie career so far.  Nice smile.  Good hair.  Probably emits a pleasant smelling musk. In my younger years, he’s the kind of guy I would have invited back to my apartment to get stoned and have a 3 way with my girlfriend.  I really enjoyed his Harvey Dent.  But he’s all wrong for Frankenstein’s monster.  I’m big and menacing.  I strike fear in the audience.  Was The Rock on vacation or something? Did they even ask Sly Stallone?  He already looks like he was put together in a lab.  Hell, even Vince Vaughn; he's like seven foot tall at least. 

      Take it from me.  Stay far away from I,Frankenstein.   If you really want something to make your bolts spark, go see a little hidden gem called Frozen. I could not stop laughing.  Two hours of pure happiness. I mean the snowman talks in it! Snowmen can’t talk!  Nobody told him though. Amiright??  Classic.  


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Sean Saves the World Preempted Two Weeks for Olympic Coverage:  Nine People Angry.

1/29/2014

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     Starting February 7th, NBC will start extensive coverage of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. All normal NBC prime time programming will be preempted for two weeks.  NBC has receivied nine complaints on behalf of Sean Saves the World including one from Sean Hayes mother.  S.S.T.W fans as they call themselves or fucking ignorant assholes as the rest of the world calls them, claim they will hold a full boycott of NBC during these two weeks.  NBC executives wonder where the other four viewers are. They also worry if this will have a snowball effect from fans of The Michael J Fox; all seventeen of them.
Sean Saves the World
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What Does Daft Punk Really Look Like?

1/29/2014

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Ever wonder what Daft Punk looks like under those helmets? I have the scoop....

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