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 Just click on your favorite Girl Scout cookie and find out which character you are from the 1991 surfing, bank robbing thriller, Point Break. It's what you didn't know you needed in your life right now...  Samoas  Trefoils  Thin Mints  Lemonade  Tagalongs  Toffee-tastic
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 Weather.com is a portal to the seventh level of hell. Who knew? On the surface it's just a quaint, unassuming little website that you go to to find the weather of anywhere across the globe. But in reality it's a fear inducing, doomsday spreading, hysteria driven juggernaut on a path to destroy any happiness in your life. I've noticed this a while ago as I visit Weather.com from time to time to, you know, check the fucking weather. So I started to compile a collection of these because I felt like it was my duty as a citizen of the world to warn the masses of the terror vortex that is Weather.com. These are a few of the completely unaltered headlines I've collected so far. Cue AC/DC's Highway to Hell and go....  What's the temperature out today? Massive toxic waste in Tampa?!?!  Should I bring a jacket? And bug spray! Goddamn Zika still!?!?!  I heard it might rain on Tuesday. Oh no! Not Asia!  Well at least it hasn't happened. There's just a chance.  Fuuuuuuucckkkkk!  Maybe I can barbecue outside today.... Oh no, I have to warn grandma!  Don't wanna close my eyes. Don't wanna fall asleep. Cause I'd miss you baby...  That's not bad. Change can be good. Please just no more horror.  *rocks back and forth in the fetal position*  When was the last time you read The Bible? Holy shit. Talk about entertaining. Especially the Old Testament. Murder, rape, sex, incest, violence. It literally has it all. I’m not a religious person. I understand why people seek out and need religion but I also understand why people despise it as well. I started reading The Bible because I ran into a huge creative block in my blogging quest. I was frustrated and was in need of some inspiration so why not go to “The Greatest Story Ever Told." It did not disappoint.
Below I wrote one simple scene about the biblical character Lot, if he had walked into a bar for a drink. If you don't know the story of Lot, this scene will fill you in. Now keep in mind, everything I wrote about what happened to Lot (other then the whole walking into a bar thing) is completely ripped from the pages of The Bible. I put the actual Bible verses at the very end so you can see for yourself. All I can say is if I knew this kind of smut was at my disposal as a kid in Sunday School, I would have spent more time reading and less time drawing Ninja Turtles. Enjoy.... Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Tell the ones you love just how much you care with Gangs of New York Candy Hearts...         Everything I write and post on this site is carefully edited, re-edited, chastised, discussed and then posted when it reaches perfection. Sub par writing is unacceptable and is not only thrown out but burned hoosier style in a big metal barrel in the backyard. This is why I’m going to make it very clear that there will be no lists of any kind found on this website. No lists of top five Harrison Ford earrings, top thirty Instagram dog fails, twenty best blah, blah, belch. List writing is lazy writing. It says you can’t form complex sentences and put them in succession to create a paragraph. It says you only have fragmented things to say and can only say them if there’s a number in front. I hate lists. Dare say, I loathe them. Here are three reasons why:
1. Firm believer that the only lists should be with Santa, in my favorite sports highlights and on Letterman. 2. The first list ever made was the Ten Commandments and event that had some flaws. “Thou shall not covet.” I’m single and drive a crappy Pontiac. My neighbor has a smoking hot wife and drives a brand new Audi. Commence coveting. 3. List makers are assholes. Probably. I just don’t understand why people love lists. Buzzfeed.com consists of almost nothing but lists and they only get a few million views a day. I...think that is a lot of people actually. I would do some despicable, horrendous things to get that kind of traffic. On second thought, I could write a list or two. I could be really good at it. Who am i kidding? I'm probably awesome at it. Maybe one of my lists could impress the higher ups over at Buzzfeed. Then they could offer me a job. Give me my own office. Maybe let me drive around the company car or party on the company yacht. Maybe snort the company's coke off the breasts of the company's hookers. Sorry, I just watched The Wolf of Wall Street. If they did that though, I would shut this little shit hole website of mine down before you could say "I love lists." I swear I will. Call me Buzzfeed. I love you! |
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