Tennis world number one ranked superstar and anti-vaxxer world number one ranked dipshit, Novak Djokovic, has reached the Australian Open Finals despite a rabid case of polio, smallpox and the mumps.  Djokovic will be fighting to increase on his already record setting eight finals wins at the Australian Open Sunday  all the while also fighting for his life against many diseases that have been basically eradicated in the modern world with the help of vaccines.

       "I might not be able to talk right now, " Djokovic wrote on a piece of paper as his neck had become swollen to a  Looney Tunes cartoon hilarity kind of level. "But at least I know the government isn't keeping tabs on me with with that tracker they sneak into vaccine injections."

      "I'm my own man and I believe no one should be forced to do what they don't want to," he continued to write as his hand shook uncontrollably with every stroke causing a painful anguish on his face.  "I might look like Alec Baldwin in that wedding scene near the end of Beetlejuice now but I'm proud to say no needle has ever touched this body."

      Djokovic made headlines last summer for being an asshole who didn't take the Covid-19 pandemic seriously and putting on a tennis tournament in his home country of Serbia with zero precautions.  Many of those in attendance tested positive for the virus in the following days.  The rest of the world sighed a collective "duh."

      "It's....all....a....hoax,"  Djokovic gasped before passing out from the pain as his doctors rolled in an iron lung and told the hospital priest not go to lunch just yet.

     Australian Open officials are unsure how Djokovic will compete in the championship match with such a collection of old timey sicknesses coursing through his body but his camp is staying positive.  They think with a couple days rest, plenty of tea with honey and several bloodletting sessions with leeches to realign the imbalance of the four humors in his body should have him in shape for Sunday's final.

      Luca Di Maciano, known in the boxing world as Little Mac, died in the ring Saturday night during his match against Piston Honda for the heavyweight championship.  The Las Vegas Boxing Commission is now currently under investigation to discover how a match like this, with a weight class discrepancy of fourteen divisions, was ever allowed to be sanctioned.  The champion Piston Honda came in over two feet taller and 86 pounds heavier than his challenger.  Even with the setting on easy, this far exceeds the legal fight parameters. 

      After multiple knockdowns in the first two rounds from what appeared to be exclusively only headshots from Honda, Little Mac took another barrage of jabs to open the third round only to be knocked down again.   He fell below the sight line of the television camera and did not get up again, no matter how many buttons were mashed. 
     
       "We thought if we told Little Mac every single 'tell' to look for in order to beat Piston it would be ok,"  said William Edmonds, part of the commission who signed off on this fight.  "We said listen, Piston is going to raise his eyebrows every time he throws a jab.  He crouches down super low to throw an uppercut.  Sometimes he will back up for unknown reasons and come charging at you with punches.  We told Mac to just duck and counter. Duck and counter.  And if you did it right a star would magically appear above his head and then you could hit him with an uppercut.  But I guess that wasn't enough."

      "It was a horrifying sight," said guest ring commentator Donkey Kong. "Honda was just so much bigger.  His gloves were the size of Little Mac's head.  Mac had to literally jump to try and hit Honda.  At one point, he got to beating him so bad that Little Mac's whole body turned a pale, almost translucent pink color.  Normal bodies just don't look like that."

      Many are also placing the blame at the inexperience of former plumber, turned amateur referee, Mario Brother and Little Mac's corner man, Doc Louis, for not stopping the fight when it became obvious that Little Mac could no longer protect himself.

      "The whole arena was screaming at these guys to stop the fight," said one spectator. "This guy was literally getting killed in the ring and Mario just kept staring like he was tripping on mushrooms or something.  And I watched that Doc Louis after each round thinking he would do the right thing and throw in the towel.  All he did was rub Little Mac's arm up and down and say things like 'Join the Nintendo Fun Club Today.' "

       While the match is still  under investigation, Mario has been suspended indefinitely without pay.  Doc Louis was last seen speeding away on his 10-speed bike after the fight.  Local law enforcement are currently  searching his whereabouts for questioning. 

      A Little Mac Memorial Fun Run has been organized to help pay for funeral expenses including any other future boxing tragedies that may arise or when Glass Joe fights next.​

       In an attempt to grab the attention of 94% of the demographic watching Super Bowl LV on Sunday, halftime show entertainer, The Weeknd, resorted to covering Loverboy's 1981 smash hit "Working for the Weekend."  

       When it was initially announced that The Weeknd would headline this years Super Bowl halftime show, many football fans were left puzzled as to who The Weeknd is.  Some thought the NFL was more metaphorically speaking that the Super Bowl weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) was the halftime show and there would be no real performer this year.

      Fans were not disappointed though when The Weeknd appeared center stage through a mist of haze and fog.  Then the sound of the very distinct cowbell intro counting in a wall of guitars and synth keyboard as he performed a searing cover of the Loverboy chart topper.  

       "I don't know who this Weeknd character is but I love me some Loverboy," said a guy in his 50's.

       "Oh Loverboy takes me back.  I use to rock that song every Friday after history class in high school," said an excited person in their 40's

        "I feel like I'm a pretty avid music fan," said a 30 something. "I try to listen to what's new and cool and expand my horizons to all different kinds of new music.  Gun to my head, I couldn't name you anything by The Weeknd.  I do love that Working for the Weekend song though.  Remember the SNL Chippendales dancer sketch with Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze?  Classic"

        "Yeah dude, The Weeknd is awesome," said some 20 year old kid.  "I listen to all his stuff.  Did I watch the halftime show?  What am I some kind of 30 to 60 year old dinosaur?  I only watch eSports."