In a surprising turn of events Tuesday morning, the Chicago Cubs have announced that they will retire the franchise if they win the World Series this year. Cubs President Theo Epstein and owner Tom Ricketts told a room of reporters that it's probably best to stop when you're ahead and  just go out on top.
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      "We don't know if this will ever happen again," Epstein said.  "It's been 108 years since the last one.  What if we win this year and it's another 108 years until the next one?  I'd be like 150 years old.  Even with the right diet and exercise and all the advancements in modern medicine, I don't think I would make it.  I know for sure Tom won't be around.  He's a steak and potatoes guy.  I've never seen this son of a bitch eat a green since I've known him.  So I mean, I really just think it will be better to win it this year and then retire the franchise completely."

      The young core of Cubs players like Rizzo, Bryant, and Baez expressed deep concerns about this newly laid out plan of action. Being in the prime of their career, they feel like they could win multiple championships with the team they have.  Ricketts laughed this off as the blissful optimism of youth and said he would urge them to be more like David Ross who's "gettin' out while the gettin's good."

      "Just think about this for a minute," Ricketts said. "If the Chicago Bears would have just hung it up after the 1985 Super Bowl win, they would have been champions forever. No more bad seasons.  No more heartache.  And more importantly, Jay Cutler would have never worn a Bears jersey. Can you imagine?  A world where Jay Cutler never stepped foot in the Windy City.  What a glorious and magical time to be alive that would have been."

      Official plans have not yet been put into place about what would become of Wrigley Field if the Cubs were to retire.  There are speculations of turning it into an immaculate museum full of state of the art displays, interactive exhibits and  never before seen memorabilia thus preserving and honoring the rich history of the Chicago Cubs.  It also might become an IKEA.

         After years of preaching His fellowship, Joe Buck has accepted Clayton Kershaw as his personal Lord and Savior.  Buck was baptized yesterday morning in a small section of the Los Angeles river wearing a full Dodgers uniform, as is customary for baptisms into the Church of Kershaw. Buck said he has opened his heart and soul to the Great One and looks forward to spending eternity in the Kingdom of Kershaw watching Him throw fast balls and off speed pitches to the Angels above.
         
      "I've been washed in the blood of Clayton Kershaw today," Buck said as he clasped his hands and bowed his head.  "I've followed his Holy Spirit and preached His gospel for years to millions of people who didn't ask and didn't want to hear about it.  But the time for repentance is upon us my brothers and sisters.  The time is nigh I tell you.  He has been placed on this Earth to save anyone who accepts Him into their hearts and to strike out the side."

      Followers of the Church believe any and all good that happens in baseball is due only to grace and glory of Clayton Kershaw and what He does from the mound or pulpit as His believers call it.  The church has only a few simple commandments: 

1.  Honor thy father and thy mother.

2.  Don't hang thy curveball over the center of the plate on a full count.

3.  Never stop talking about Clayton Kershaw during all aspects of thy game.

      Buck has been practicing these commandments for every Dodgers game he has been in the broadcast booth for and plans to continue his ways until, Kershaw forbid, he retires from baseball.

      "How could you not talk about His Grace for nine innings," Buck said crossing himself in the shape of home plate.  "I could go on for days about what a dominant force He is.  And when someone gets a hit off of Him, I praise His wisdom for letting that batter on base. If He's not pitching that day, I praise Him about what He did the last game or how He would have handled it if He was in the game.  Glory be to Kershaw in the highest Heaven and on Earth, a one hit, complete game shut out. Amen."

     Steven Cartwright, a lifelong devoted St. Louis Cardinals fan, has announced that he will root for the Chicago Cubs during the playoffs this October.  With his beloved Cardinals failing to make the cut this year, Cartwright made the shocking announcement Thursday.  He was surrounded by his closes friends and family where the gasps were audible, his daughters broke out in tears and his wife twisted at the wedding ring on her finger, shaking her head as if she had made a regrettable life decision.

      "Listen, I'm a progressive man in the 21st century," Cartwright said.  "I care about the environment.  I ride my bicycle to work.  I believe in a woman's right to choose. I think marijuana should be made legal and I'm completely for gay marriage.  I truly believe I  can root for the Cubs in the playoffs." 

      The choice was not easy for Cartwright.  He spent a lot of time studying what team he would root for this post-season.  He immediately disregarded any American League teams because he said the DH is a bullshit position full of fat guys.  He then eliminated any east or west coast teams because of a widely known media bias towards coastal teams compared to those centrally located.  This coastal bias rant went on for over an hour and concluded with an emphatic, "And just fuck LA.  Fuck LA so fucking hard."

     Cartwright won't be buying any Cubs gear in the near future but he will be glued to the television in his solar powered home to cheer on guys like Anthony Rizzo who he likens to as the Windy City version of Stephen Piscotty.  He also likes the Adam Wainwright-esqe pitching of Kyle Hendricks and don't get him started on Javier Baez, the Puerto Rican Matt Carpenter.  

       "The best part is if they win it all, I can take part in this historic celebration of the Cubs first championship since 1908," Cartwright said as he plugged in his hybrid car.  "And if they lose, who gives a shit right?  Yaaadiiii."