"In almost every game, there's players on each team asking for my help," God said. "In the old days, I had this convoluted equation to figure out who I would grace with a W. I would take the amount of true believers on each team and divide it with those who have more sin and cross section that with who asked for forgiveness recently compared with who took my name in vain the most and then factor in all the commandments and ugh, it was a mess. With different games going on all year long, it was just exhausting to keep track of it all."
God gives credit to his son, Jesus, in helping him find a simpler way to decide.
"My only begotten son just came up to me one day and said, 'Dad, who gives a shit about these sports games? They don't mean anything. Just flip a coin.' It was literally like that time Belushi saw the light in Blues Brothers. I mean, Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ I saw the light that day"
"Sometimes I miss prayers from the people who actually need help because I'm inundated with greedy Brooklyn Nets fans asking for another asshole superstar or baseball fans asking for Bryce Harper to either hit the ball out of the park or be hit depending on what side you are on. Oh and don't get me started on the Tom Brady injury requests. NFL fans are the absolute worst. I should do something about that. So just keep sports out of your prayers please. Don't make me get vengeful. Ahh just playin'. God out."