In a surprising turn of events Tuesday morning, the Chicago Cubs have announced that they will retire the franchise if they win the World Series this year. Cubs President Theo Epstein and owner Tom Ricketts told a room of reporters that it's probably best to stop when you're ahead and  just go out on top.
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      "We don't know if this will ever happen again," Epstein said.  "It's been 108 years since the last one.  What if we win this year and it's another 108 years until the next one?  I'd be like 150 years old.  Even with the right diet and exercise and all the advancements in modern medicine, I don't think I would make it.  I know for sure Tom won't be around.  He's a steak and potatoes guy.  I've never seen this son of a bitch eat a green since I've known him.  So I mean, I really just think it will be better to win it this year and then retire the franchise completely."

      The young core of Cubs players like Rizzo, Bryant, and Baez expressed deep concerns about this newly laid out plan of action. Being in the prime of their career, they feel like they could win multiple championships with the team they have.  Ricketts laughed this off as the blissful optimism of youth and said he would urge them to be more like David Ross who's "gettin' out while the gettin's good."

      "Just think about this for a minute," Ricketts said. "If the Chicago Bears would have just hung it up after the 1985 Super Bowl win, they would have been champions forever. No more bad seasons.  No more heartache.  And more importantly, Jay Cutler would have never worn a Bears jersey. Can you imagine?  A world where Jay Cutler never stepped foot in the Windy City.  What a glorious and magical time to be alive that would have been."

      Official plans have not yet been put into place about what would become of Wrigley Field if the Cubs were to retire.  There are speculations of turning it into an immaculate museum full of state of the art displays, interactive exhibits and  never before seen memorabilia thus preserving and honoring the rich history of the Chicago Cubs.  It also might become an IKEA.

     Steven Cartwright, a lifelong devoted St. Louis Cardinals fan, has announced that he will root for the Chicago Cubs during the playoffs this October.  With his beloved Cardinals failing to make the cut this year, Cartwright made the shocking announcement Thursday.  He was surrounded by his closes friends and family where the gasps were audible, his daughters broke out in tears and his wife twisted at the wedding ring on her finger, shaking her head as if she had made a regrettable life decision.

      "Listen, I'm a progressive man in the 21st century," Cartwright said.  "I care about the environment.  I ride my bicycle to work.  I believe in a woman's right to choose. I think marijuana should be made legal and I'm completely for gay marriage.  I truly believe I  can root for the Cubs in the playoffs." 

      The choice was not easy for Cartwright.  He spent a lot of time studying what team he would root for this post-season.  He immediately disregarded any American League teams because he said the DH is a bullshit position full of fat guys.  He then eliminated any east or west coast teams because of a widely known media bias towards coastal teams compared to those centrally located.  This coastal bias rant went on for over an hour and concluded with an emphatic, "And just fuck LA.  Fuck LA so fucking hard."

     Cartwright won't be buying any Cubs gear in the near future but he will be glued to the television in his solar powered home to cheer on guys like Anthony Rizzo who he likens to as the Windy City version of Stephen Piscotty.  He also likes the Adam Wainwright-esqe pitching of Kyle Hendricks and don't get him started on Javier Baez, the Puerto Rican Matt Carpenter.  

       "The best part is if they win it all, I can take part in this historic celebration of the Cubs first championship since 1908," Cartwright said as he plugged in his hybrid car.  "And if they lose, who gives a shit right?  Yaaadiiii."