In a recent interview with Church Weekly, God admitted that during sporting events, He will flip a coin to decide the outcome.

      "In almost every game, there's players on each team asking for my help," God said.  "In the old days, I had this convoluted equation to figure out who I would grace with a W.  I would take the amount of true believers on each team and divide it with those who have more sin and cross section that with who asked for forgiveness recently compared with who took my name in vain the most and then factor in all the commandments and ugh, it was a mess.  With different games going on all year long, it was just exhausting to keep track of it all."

     God gives credit to his son, Jesus, in helping him find a simpler way to decide.

     "My only begotten son just came up to me one day and said, 'Dad, who gives a shit about these sports games?  They don't mean anything.  Just flip a coin.'  It was literally like that time Belushi saw the light in Blues Brothers.  I mean, Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ I saw the light that day"

      God wanted to go public with this in hopes to cut down on these useless prayers from players and especially sports fans which tend to tie up the prayer airwaves.

     "Sometimes I miss prayers from the people who actually need help because I'm inundated with greedy Brooklyn Nets fans asking for another asshole superstar or baseball fans asking for Bryce Harper to either hit the ball out of the park or be hit depending on what side you are on.  Oh and don't get me started on the Tom Brady injury requests.  NFL fans are the absolute worst.  I should do something about that.  So just keep sports out of your prayers please.  Don't make me get vengeful.  Ahh just playin'. God out."

      Tennis world number one ranked superstar and anti-vaxxer world number one ranked dipshit, Novak Djokovic, has reached the Australian Open Finals despite a rabid case of polio, smallpox and the mumps.  Djokovic will be fighting to increase on his already record setting eight finals wins at the Australian Open Sunday  all the while also fighting for his life against many diseases that have been basically eradicated in the modern world with the help of vaccines.

       "I might not be able to talk right now, " Djokovic wrote on a piece of paper as his neck had become swollen to a  Looney Tunes cartoon hilarity kind of level. "But at least I know the government isn't keeping tabs on me with with that tracker they sneak into vaccine injections."

      "I'm my own man and I believe no one should be forced to do what they don't want to," he continued to write as his hand shook uncontrollably with every stroke causing a painful anguish on his face.  "I might look like Alec Baldwin in that wedding scene near the end of Beetlejuice now but I'm proud to say no needle has ever touched this body."

      Djokovic made headlines last summer for being an asshole who didn't take the Covid-19 pandemic seriously and putting on a tennis tournament in his home country of Serbia with zero precautions.  Many of those in attendance tested positive for the virus in the following days.  The rest of the world sighed a collective "duh."

      "It's....all....a....hoax,"  Djokovic gasped before passing out from the pain as his doctors rolled in an iron lung and told the hospital priest not go to lunch just yet.

     Australian Open officials are unsure how Djokovic will compete in the championship match with such a collection of old timey sicknesses coursing through his body but his camp is staying positive.  They think with a couple days rest, plenty of tea with honey and several bloodletting sessions with leeches to realign the imbalance of the four humors in his body should have him in shape for Sunday's final.

      Luca Di Maciano, known in the boxing world as Little Mac, died in the ring Saturday night during his match against Piston Honda for the heavyweight championship.  The Las Vegas Boxing Commission is now currently under investigation to discover how a match like this, with a weight class discrepancy of fourteen divisions, was ever allowed to be sanctioned.  The champion Piston Honda came in over two feet taller and 86 pounds heavier than his challenger.  Even with the setting on easy, this far exceeds the legal fight parameters. 

      After multiple knockdowns in the first two rounds from what appeared to be exclusively only headshots from Honda, Little Mac took another barrage of jabs to open the third round only to be knocked down again.   He fell below the sight line of the television camera and did not get up again, no matter how many buttons were mashed. 
     
       "We thought if we told Little Mac every single 'tell' to look for in order to beat Piston it would be ok,"  said William Edmonds, part of the commission who signed off on this fight.  "We said listen, Piston is going to raise his eyebrows every time he throws a jab.  He crouches down super low to throw an uppercut.  Sometimes he will back up for unknown reasons and come charging at you with punches.  We told Mac to just duck and counter. Duck and counter.  And if you did it right a star would magically appear above his head and then you could hit him with an uppercut.  But I guess that wasn't enough."

      "It was a horrifying sight," said guest ring commentator Donkey Kong. "Honda was just so much bigger.  His gloves were the size of Little Mac's head.  Mac had to literally jump to try and hit Honda.  At one point, he got to beating him so bad that Little Mac's whole body turned a pale, almost translucent pink color.  Normal bodies just don't look like that."

      Many are also placing the blame at the inexperience of former plumber, turned amateur referee, Mario Brother and Little Mac's corner man, Doc Louis, for not stopping the fight when it became obvious that Little Mac could no longer protect himself.

      "The whole arena was screaming at these guys to stop the fight," said one spectator. "This guy was literally getting killed in the ring and Mario just kept staring like he was tripping on mushrooms or something.  And I watched that Doc Louis after each round thinking he would do the right thing and throw in the towel.  All he did was rub Little Mac's arm up and down and say things like 'Join the Nintendo Fun Club Today.' "

       While the match is still  under investigation, Mario has been suspended indefinitely without pay.  Doc Louis was last seen speeding away on his 10-speed bike after the fight.  Local law enforcement are currently  searching his whereabouts for questioning. 

      A Little Mac Memorial Fun Run has been organized to help pay for funeral expenses including any other future boxing tragedies that may arise or when Glass Joe fights next.​

       In an attempt to grab the attention of 94% of the demographic watching Super Bowl LV on Sunday, halftime show entertainer, The Weeknd, resorted to covering Loverboy's 1981 smash hit "Working for the Weekend."  

       When it was initially announced that The Weeknd would headline this years Super Bowl halftime show, many football fans were left puzzled as to who The Weeknd is.  Some thought the NFL was more metaphorically speaking that the Super Bowl weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) was the halftime show and there would be no real performer this year.

      Fans were not disappointed though when The Weeknd appeared center stage through a mist of haze and fog.  Then the sound of the very distinct cowbell intro counting in a wall of guitars and synth keyboard as he performed a searing cover of the Loverboy chart topper.  

       "I don't know who this Weeknd character is but I love me some Loverboy," said a guy in his 50's.

       "Oh Loverboy takes me back.  I use to rock that song every Friday after history class in high school," said an excited person in their 40's

        "I feel like I'm a pretty avid music fan," said a 30 something. "I try to listen to what's new and cool and expand my horizons to all different kinds of new music.  Gun to my head, I couldn't name you anything by The Weeknd.  I do love that Working for the Weekend song though.  Remember the SNL Chippendales dancer sketch with Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze?  Classic"

        "Yeah dude, The Weeknd is awesome," said some 20 year old kid.  "I listen to all his stuff.  Did I watch the halftime show?  What am I some kind of 30 to 60 year old dinosaur?  I only watch eSports."

    In a surprising turn of events Tuesday morning, the Chicago Cubs have announced that they will retire the franchise if they win the World Series this year. Cubs President Theo Epstein and owner Tom Ricketts told a room of reporters that it's probably best to stop when you're ahead and  just go out on top.
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      "We don't know if this will ever happen again," Epstein said.  "It's been 108 years since the last one.  What if we win this year and it's another 108 years until the next one?  I'd be like 150 years old.  Even with the right diet and exercise and all the advancements in modern medicine, I don't think I would make it.  I know for sure Tom won't be around.  He's a steak and potatoes guy.  I've never seen this son of a bitch eat a green since I've known him.  So I mean, I really just think it will be better to win it this year and then retire the franchise completely."

      The young core of Cubs players like Rizzo, Bryant, and Baez expressed deep concerns about this newly laid out plan of action. Being in the prime of their career, they feel like they could win multiple championships with the team they have.  Ricketts laughed this off as the blissful optimism of youth and said he would urge them to be more like David Ross who's "gettin' out while the gettin's good."

      "Just think about this for a minute," Ricketts said. "If the Chicago Bears would have just hung it up after the 1985 Super Bowl win, they would have been champions forever. No more bad seasons.  No more heartache.  And more importantly, Jay Cutler would have never worn a Bears jersey. Can you imagine?  A world where Jay Cutler never stepped foot in the Windy City.  What a glorious and magical time to be alive that would have been."

      Official plans have not yet been put into place about what would become of Wrigley Field if the Cubs were to retire.  There are speculations of turning it into an immaculate museum full of state of the art displays, interactive exhibits and  never before seen memorabilia thus preserving and honoring the rich history of the Chicago Cubs.  It also might become an IKEA.

         After years of preaching His fellowship, Joe Buck has accepted Clayton Kershaw as his personal Lord and Savior.  Buck was baptized yesterday morning in a small section of the Los Angeles river wearing a full Dodgers uniform, as is customary for baptisms into the Church of Kershaw. Buck said he has opened his heart and soul to the Great One and looks forward to spending eternity in the Kingdom of Kershaw watching Him throw fast balls and off speed pitches to the Angels above.
         
      "I've been washed in the blood of Clayton Kershaw today," Buck said as he clasped his hands and bowed his head.  "I've followed his Holy Spirit and preached His gospel for years to millions of people who didn't ask and didn't want to hear about it.  But the time for repentance is upon us my brothers and sisters.  The time is nigh I tell you.  He has been placed on this Earth to save anyone who accepts Him into their hearts and to strike out the side."

      Followers of the Church believe any and all good that happens in baseball is due only to grace and glory of Clayton Kershaw and what He does from the mound or pulpit as His believers call it.  The church has only a few simple commandments: 

1.  Honor thy father and thy mother.

2.  Don't hang thy curveball over the center of the plate on a full count.

3.  Never stop talking about Clayton Kershaw during all aspects of thy game.

      Buck has been practicing these commandments for every Dodgers game he has been in the broadcast booth for and plans to continue his ways until, Kershaw forbid, he retires from baseball.

      "How could you not talk about His Grace for nine innings," Buck said crossing himself in the shape of home plate.  "I could go on for days about what a dominant force He is.  And when someone gets a hit off of Him, I praise His wisdom for letting that batter on base. If He's not pitching that day, I praise Him about what He did the last game or how He would have handled it if He was in the game.  Glory be to Kershaw in the highest Heaven and on Earth, a one hit, complete game shut out. Amen."

     Steven Cartwright, a lifelong devoted St. Louis Cardinals fan, has announced that he will root for the Chicago Cubs during the playoffs this October.  With his beloved Cardinals failing to make the cut this year, Cartwright made the shocking announcement Thursday.  He was surrounded by his closes friends and family where the gasps were audible, his daughters broke out in tears and his wife twisted at the wedding ring on her finger, shaking her head as if she had made a regrettable life decision.

      "Listen, I'm a progressive man in the 21st century," Cartwright said.  "I care about the environment.  I ride my bicycle to work.  I believe in a woman's right to choose. I think marijuana should be made legal and I'm completely for gay marriage.  I truly believe I  can root for the Cubs in the playoffs." 

      The choice was not easy for Cartwright.  He spent a lot of time studying what team he would root for this post-season.  He immediately disregarded any American League teams because he said the DH is a bullshit position full of fat guys.  He then eliminated any east or west coast teams because of a widely known media bias towards coastal teams compared to those centrally located.  This coastal bias rant went on for over an hour and concluded with an emphatic, "And just fuck LA.  Fuck LA so fucking hard."

     Cartwright won't be buying any Cubs gear in the near future but he will be glued to the television in his solar powered home to cheer on guys like Anthony Rizzo who he likens to as the Windy City version of Stephen Piscotty.  He also likes the Adam Wainwright-esqe pitching of Kyle Hendricks and don't get him started on Javier Baez, the Puerto Rican Matt Carpenter.  

       "The best part is if they win it all, I can take part in this historic celebration of the Cubs first championship since 1908," Cartwright said as he plugged in his hybrid car.  "And if they lose, who gives a shit right?  Yaaadiiii."